“How do I save my daughter from a lesbian friend?”   2 comments

These words appeared today as search terms used to find information—but found my blog.  The story they tell breaks my heart.  I don’t know who put the words in, whether father or mother.  I do know they are frightened.  The question was whole.  As if someone just hoped the internet would kick back a whole answer.  I do that when I’m desperate, when I’m upset, when I hurt.  I put the whole question in, as if I’m divining.

I feel so sad for the parent who wrote this–sad because I can feel that fear, that sense of powerlessness, that you are helpless to watch your child get hurt, or seduced, or taken away.  The word “save” in there— it’s a “rescue from danger” word.  For a parent to write this in Google is to ask anyone, anyone at all, for advice.  Please, please help.  I hurt for that parent who is at that stage.  I wish I didn’t empathize so much–but what I identify with is a parent’s cry, here, for help, for what they perceive as danger, as out of control.  This is much worse than “how do I get my daughter to stop dating thugs”–there’s a whole different, scary feel to it.  I want to comfort that parent, but I can’t.  I don’t know who it is.  And they don’t know me.

I am saddened too that he or she feels as if lesbians and gays are dangerous to their daughter.  Oh, I understand where that point of view comes from–it’s not new.  I think many of us grew up with people in our community who had that mindset–that people like us were a threat.  Some resources I hope that this parent found might be these:

Someone to Talk To—this is a great great resource designed for parents.  It answers questions parents have.

Can my gay child change?— for parents who have a child who is coming out, or has come out.

Having a gay friend or a lesbian friend will not cause your own child to “become” gay or lesbian.  It doesn’t work that way.  Just as having a gay or lesbian friend hasn’t done that to you–if you have one. We don’t rub off on people.  We don’t convince them of a theological concept that then makes them act on a sexual impulse.  Sexuality is hard-wired.  Although many of us might try to be the other way–MANY gays have tried being straight and kept up the pretense of being straight for most of their lifetimes, fifty years or more, with kids to show from it.  Being gay doesn’t mean that you can’t have sex with the opposite gender.  It means that you aren’t attracted to the other gender sexually.

One final note: I’m glad that lesbian has a friend in your daughter.  We need friends too.  I hope and pray that you understand that we mean no harm to people–we are just like you.  Humans in search of friendship and relationships.  There is no need to rescue your children from gay kids in their lives—gay kids need you more than ever.


2 responses to ““How do I save my daughter from a lesbian friend?”

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  1. I need an adviser to help me deal appropriately and compasionately with my badly behaving 19 year old daughter, whom maybe using gender issues/ parental steriotypes to keep me at arms length because “I wound”t understand or would not support her right to explore her adolecent sexuality”. Of course I understand and support- been their myself 40 years ago. But listening to Mom is hard, and new found girlfriends are very supportive of do you own thing/ cut old Mom off.

    • Hmm. thank you for writing. Just only knowing this much, I can only advise a little. At 19, your daughter is considered by most to be an adult and not an adolescent. She won’t listen, probably, to her mother trying to be her mother, even though I know that feels natural. She’s going to need friends–and so if you can become a friend, that might help open up the discussion. Tell her that you recognize she’s an adult, making adult decisions about her sexuality, and that if she wants to ever talk about it, she can come to you. I don’t think you can do much more. She now gets to be whomever she wants to be–even if that’s reckless and damaging and crazy. HOWEVER, I can say that it might be best to Be the MOM she doesn’t expect, and the MOM her friends would have to be cool with. Be supportive of her. Be interested in her. Support the decisions you can, be silent on those you can’t. Eventually she will open up to you. Eventually she will see that you aren’t going to condemn her as “badly behaving” but will be there for her when things don’t turn out the same. Good luck.

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